I twittered earlier today that I was feeling middle-aged. This should be OK because I am middle-aged; but I find myself mourning my youth and wishing that I had been more – oh, I don’t know – daring and exciting maybe? I sort of stopped living when I was about 25 and simply started existing and I regret that choice.

This morning when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t help but resent the crow’s feet and sagging bits (you know that of which I speak). I couldn’t bring myself to put on stilettos, feeling like I was trying to dress up to be somebody that I’m not anymore. I never want to be one of those women that is obviously trying way too hard to look 25. The sad thing is that when I was 25, I didn’t use all that to my advantage. Instead, I slogged my way through two jobs every day and hid in my condo on my off-hours like I was afraid the world would get me if I left. My practicality kept me from exploring and enjoying being young and attractive.

I’m not saying that age makes a person ugly, just that I can’t seem to find a comfortable approach to it. Suddenly I’m faced with what kind of night repair cream to buy and finding a natural-looking hair dye when what I really want to do is dye my hair pink and wear silver glitter eye shadow with brilliant green mascara on super-long, fakey-fake eyelashes a la Lady GaGa. Now, that would be a costume on anyone, but on me it would also be an atrocious abomination of WTF???!

Oddly, what brought this on was preparing for my annual review at work. I’ve been at this place for 15 years and have hit the ceiling. I can go no further, improve no more and will earn my annual 2% raise just like all the other sheep waiting for retirement. In reviewing my accomplishments for the year it’s obvious I have been baa baaing my way through the job because there’s no way that being the girl on the stick is going to get me any more than that obligatory 2% raise just like everyone else.

I don’t know. It makes me feel a bit hopeless and I am too scared to make a move. What if I can’t do anything else? What if I’ve forgotten how to learn or can’t keep up? Why can’t I muster up enough energy to care? After all, I know I have a secure place. People work here for 40 years, then retire and spend all their time planning for their next cruise. I know that won’t happen for me. My family’s financial situation is not working out that way. And anyway, it’s not like anyone is finding much work these days. They certainly don’t want to hire someone of my age and salary requirement when they can get some fresh-faced college kid who only wants to earn enough to make his student loan payment and doesn’t care about health insurance.

I’m so scared of the “what if” that it’s ruining my “how now”. Could I just go back to bed now please?

Ok, so I've come up with a new glass project. I've decided to try some casting. I think I need to do lost wax so I can get the detail and undercut lip I want. Things that will be a challenge:

1. Making a symmetrical master. Carving is not my forte. In fact, I really suck at it.

2. Deciding what kind of foot to put on the piece. If it's too tall, I will have to cast in two pieces and epoxy them - not period, but I have to work around the fact that I'm not a glass blower. A downside would be failure in either of the pieces. I want to finish before KASF and failure would kill my time and money budgets.

3. Getting the finishing details right. I've chosen a tricky design. Once again - not good at carving. I want the design all in relief because I worry that multiple firings required for gold and enamel will increase the chance of failure. (See #2.)

4. Still waffling whether I want to do an earlier piece because, goshdarnit, the Romans did it right! It just doesn't suit the flavor I want to bring to the table.

5. Choosing whether to do pate de verre, frit casting, or pouring.

I can solve all those problems to come up with a decent piece in the given time frame, right? Right? Aaaaaahhh!!!

Ok, knitterly people. I have four books on sock knitting and one for lingerie. What I would really like are some ideas for books for things like skirts and tops, or gloves and hats. Would dearly love to hear your suggestions!

So, after posting that whole bit about how I don't want to make plans and make myself feel bad for not living up to my own expectactions I started thinking about things I would really like to do. Isn't that weird? Anyway, I'm going to try something. I'll make a list and if I do those things then yay! If those things don't happen, I promise not to be disappointed. After all, suggestions of things to do aren't actually plans, they're only thoughts. Thoughts aren't commitments, they're just random neurons firing that make me happy to think about. And we all like to be happy, right?

1. Plant sunflowers with my kids. I have fond memories of planting sunflowers (and carrots and other things) with my mom and watching them grow. The sunflowers stuck out because I couldn't believe how gargantuan they are. It can't be all that hard and the kids will get a kick out of it.

2. Make some dresses and skirts for everyday wear. I love modern sewing. Have patterns and fabric already, just need to get on the stick. Plus, I got some simply fabu vintage aprons from my brother for Xmas and would love an excuse to wear them.

3. Knit a summer tank. Heck, I knit a lace sweater over my holiday break. A summer tank should be cake!

4. Break some glass. No pressure there. Can't make glass if you don't break it. My workshop is all finished. I just need to spend time in it.

5. Enjoy my house. I would enjoy it more if it were spruced up and decorated. Decorating could be fun, right?

Ok. So there are 5 no pressure fun things for me to think about. No resolutions here, just ideas to contemplate.

In other news, I had a simply lovely Christmas. My family was so good to me. As mentioned above, I got some vintage aprons and place mats from my brother along with a sweet uncut New Look pattern in my size. I also got the diamond edition of Scrabble (my favorite board game!), a plush pink bathrobe, DDR for the Xbox (the family got Rock Band-woot!), and a Garmin. May I just say for the record that the Garmin is crazy cool and I've already used it for a trip. Love!

It seems as if every time I make plans to do things, including resolutions, that I feel trapped by them. It's one thing if it's a goal that I am actively pursuing and I can specificly give an honest timeline. But things like "lose 20 pounds" and "be a better parent" tend to be like wearing weights around my neck. When I fail, I feel like crap, even if it's just a small dip in the road.

Instead, I think I will celebrate some of the things I am proud of accomplishing in 2009.

1. Paid off two credit cards and a car. Guys, this one was HUGE! With only one income, the savings of $716 a month is immense.

2. Rediscovered my love of knitting. I've made more projects in 2009 than I have my entire knitting life before that. I learned a ton of new techniques and have dived into the world of knitted lace like I was designed for it. Knitting is now my go-to project any time I am sitting still - including stop lights, restaurants and parties.

3. Finally started stripping the wallpaper to prepare for the bathroom redesign. I know what I want to do. All that's left is the labor.

4. Reconnected with my relatives in Minnesota. I hadn't made a trip out there in six years. I also started keeping in touch with one of my older sisters. Now that we are all adults, we find that we like each other a great deal.

5. Thanks to my LJ friends, I have given myself permission to work on art projects that have nothing to do with the SCA.

6. I cut my hair into an actual style.

7. Trained for and ran a half marathon.

8. Replaced my 10 year old glasses and got contact lenses.

9. Started eating more meals at home.

Ok, so I couldn't come up with 10 things, but it's not a bad list. Considering I haven't been very motivated in the last several years, I feel good about what has been accomplished. Hello? Half marathon anyone? Boo yah!

Where have all of the skirts gone this season? I went to Macys to spend a gift card hoping to buy a nice, casual skirt to wear with tights and my rockin' new knee boots and there were none. Ok, I lied. There were skirt suits (at $200 a pop), about half a dozen broomstick skirts and 4 micro-minis in the Junior's section. But no casual skirts for those of us over the age of 35. It's a sad, sad day when women only wear pants. Heck, I don't even find them all that comfortable! Sure, pants are nice to wear when you have to crawl around on the floor or some other kind of work that might leave you in an unladylike position, but come on! As common as they are, it seems like they're practically a uniform.

I suppose I need to start sewing again. It looks like that might be the only way I'm going to be able to get the clothes I want to wear. It seems sort of unfair now that sewing your own is so much more expensive than purchasing from the store. What's a girl who prefers to wear skirts to do?